A New Narrative

Samantha Hirtler

All throughout college and during 2017, I journaled often in a Word document.  I cannot say specifically why I only journaled in those periods of life, except that perhaps they were extraordinarily profuse with emotional charge.  My outlet for that energy became private entries typed into Word that were forever intended for my eyes only and with no other purpose than to record articulated expression.  

The other day I randomly felt called to glance over journal entries from 2017.  I have periodically scanned through these entries over the years, I suppose in an attempt to feed the nostalgia drawing my attention.  But this time felt different, as if something new was birthing from within.  In all the previous times I reread the words, it felt like I was subjectively reliving that which I had narrated.  This time, however, it felt like I was objectively witnessing events that were familiar yet foreign.  

It was in this objective state of observation that I was able to see with a new depth of clarity how I spoke about myself and related to life circumstances.  Just to give a glimpse, I made comments such as “I certainly do not feel love for myself,” and “I am a fool.”  

Overall, the “story” I told read like a tragedy and by the end of reading the posts I felt deeply exhausted, speechless, and ultimately heartbroken.  This heartbreak was not that which I lived and wrote about, but heartbreak for the breadth of my perceived suffering.  In retrospect, I see that traumas of abandonment and unworthiness were resurfacing and received not with nurturance, but with criticism and judgment.  All I wanted to do after reading the entries was take that version of myself and hug her hard, tell her it’s ok, and that her experiences of distress were not in vain.  In fact, they were a vibrant stimulus for profound spiritual growth.

Never before had I really seen my self-critic objectively.  In a way, this behavior had become analogous to the unconsciously automated functions of the body, such as breathing, movement, and swallowing.  For about 3 years, I have worked hard to transcend that mechanistic process and to live within a more purified self-perspective that’s nature is fundamentally neutral and in operation, sovereign.  Within this deep shadow work and the commitment to spiritual stillness, I have experienced the growth of an embodied awareness that unconditionally loves itself.  

I am truly grateful.